Legal Humor

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr.Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

LAWYER: What happened then?

WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.

LAWYER: Did he kill you?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?

WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.

LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?

WITNESS: Er… his face.

LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

WITNESS: The victim lived.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

WITNESS: Yes sir.

LAWYER: Before or after he died?

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?

WITNESS: Four times.

LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?

LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?

WITNESS: I could see his head.

LAWYER: And where was his head?

WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?